Failures and Fears (Archive)

Mar 23, 2016 by R.C. Nechamkin
Exceptional beauty hides in all of my failures and all of my fears, and Lord knows I have my fair share of failures and fears.  Aggressively, I do my best to confront and absorb the emotional consequences that come with failure to drive me to try again. Whether it’s a failed project, failed assignment in school or at work, or most importantly a failed relationship, I have to proactively combat succumbing to self-doubt, and instead use these moments of rejection and insecurity to reflect on who I wish to be and ultimately attempt to better myself. Fear and failure are tools, and it is up to me to painstakingly decide how to utilize them. Admittedly, I am still extremely susceptible to sinking into the darkness that clouds every failure. The fear of failure tricks me into occasionally acting on this narrow-minded mentality of “never try, never fail,” leaving me to marinate in self-pity, too afraid to endeavor once more. Does this fear of failure originate more from my fear of disappointing other or disappointing myself?

At what point does being 100% true to myself constitute as selfishness? People have told me that I should never change for anybody, but confusingly some of the same people demand something more or something different from me. To cater solely to my own emotions and desires would be overtly vain, but to cater solely to the emotions and desires of those around me would be weak-willed and excessively reticent. Two of my biggest fears are disappointing the ones I love and disappointing myself, but what if I’m placed in a situation where I must either disappoint myself or disappoint others? Above these terrors though I fear that I do not give as much as I think I do. I always ask myself if I truly am a caring, giving, and compassionate individual or if that is simply how I choose to perceive myself. What if I forgive myself for all of my failures long before the ones I’ve failed do? The thought that people discern me not for what I’m willing to give, but for what I’m willing to not give keeps me up at night. While I certainly don’t believe that I give for the sake of the glory in giving, without validation giving feels awkwardly emptier. Who is to say where the line is between giving too much or not giving enough?