Misguided Passion (Archive)

Jan 12, 2016 by R.C. Nechamkin
Disclaimer: This Blog Post was originally written and posted on my Wordpress blog from years ago.
What will tomorrow’s trains of thoughts consist of? Even though I ask this question daily, the answer normally remains pretty static: apathy but also ambition, fear but also faith, self-pity but also more self-pity. Every once in a while though, a day will surprise me and provide an unusual amount of hope. An ambiguous, general kind of hope that makes me truly believe life contains magnificent people, beautiful things, and irreplaceable moments. Days like these are rabid wild dogs that I have to chase down and try to catch with my bare hands. Admittedly, there lies great danger in believing happiness and optimism exhaust relentlessly while pain and sorrow come effortlessly, for I have a pattern of taking the road that requires less effort.

I wonder if this generation is plagued by laziness. Do other members of the microwave generation struggle to find something worth dying for, something that will ignite a fire within them to drive them in all aspects of life? Could this demonstrate another reason that we so desperately want to have lasting intimate relationships with people? Personally, I grow entirely too apathetic towards any activity that I momentarily enjoyed, so maybe I hope to place the misguided passion in growing with other people. Falling in love with a hobby has historically been infinitely easier when I’ve surrounded myself with other people who are falling in love with the hobby as well. With loving people pursuing similar interests, a natural bond breeds. Although accountability and competition would help motivate, accountability seems to put pressure on the ones holding me accountable, and competition always includes a subtle consequence of hostility whether intentional or not.

It’s possible I put way too much pressure on love, and as a consequence I put way too much pressure on the people I want to love. I have this grandiose fantasy that falling in love will cure me of any toxic thinking and fill me with passion. While I recognize I must find peace within myself and shouldn’t rely on others for happiness, I still romanticize romance. I idealize intimacy. Maybe that’s why I decided to post my intimate thoughts for anybody on the internet who cares enough to read them.