On Being Alone (Archive)

Jan 22, 2016 by R.C. Nechamkin
I constantly, actively avoid silence and being alone. Television, movies, work, school, music, social media, and books all distract my mind from listening to itself. As much as I love spending time alone, I hate spending time alone with my thoughts. When I find myself alone, I have a tendency to play pretend as if I have a deep comprehension of the definition of desolation. I grasp that people love me and care about me, so why do I spend a copious amount of time convincing myself they don’t? I continuously try to heal a wound that isn’t actually there. Perhaps I invent obstacles for my emotional integrity to inspire artistry, for I understand a balladeer cannot compose heartbreaking love songs if his heart has never broken. I do believe in the importance of letting your mind wander though, and I won’t say the result of this is always negative.

There exists this paradox where I long to avoid being alone, yet I cannot stand to be around people for too long either. This may stem from my habit of caring too much about what others think about my actions, thoughts, and feelings. Reclusiveness demands less exertion if you tend to constantly question what others observe and judge. Does this itch to isolate myself originate from laziness like several of my other cravings do? I wear myself out trying to transform into the most desirable version of myself which sounds undesirable in itself, but I know others do this too. Whether we choose to admit it or not, everyone seeks validation for their actions and emotions. For me, I seek approval in my writing especially. These crazy, scary, admittedly occasionally stupid thoughts that I’ve dreamt up mean nothing without other people to verify they’re worth having. Not to say that if my peers disapproved, I’d stop writing, I would simply not publicize my writings.

Loneliness is rather selfish, isn’t it? In feeling lonely, you dismiss the affection of others that genuinely care for you. Aloneness promotes this vanity that I do not need help to achieve success. As a ramification, it also ignorantly leads me to believe that I am the only victim of my faults and failures. Trying to figure out how to be alone as well as how to be with other people are frustrating and perhaps never-ending challenges, but I love a good challenge.